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In a recent tweet, I shared a perspective on communication and connection: “Only argue with people with same concepts as you, explain and open up to those who value you and see your worth. These are the only times you’ll have to disagree on a thing for the better. And this is the only time you’ll have differing thoughts without one assuming negativity.” This idea underscores the importance of choosing who we engage with thoughtfully, reserving arguments for those who share our foundational understanding and vulnerability for those who truly value us. Let’s unpack this concept, exploring why selective communication fosters productive disagreements and meaningful connections, with examples to bring it to life.

Arguing with Shared Concepts

Not all arguments are created equal. When you argue with someone who shares your core concepts—your values, principles, or worldview—disagreements can be constructive rather than destructive. Shared concepts create a common ground, a foundation that allows both parties to focus on refining ideas rather than clashing over irreconcilable differences. These arguments are less about winning and more about reaching a better understanding together. For example, imagine two colleagues who both believe in the importance of sustainability but disagree on the best approach to reduce a company’s carbon footprint. One advocates for renewable energy investments, while the other pushes for waste reduction strategies. Because they share the same goal—environmental responsibility—their debate is likely to be productive, sparking innovative solutions rather than devolving into personal attacks. Contrast this with arguing about sustainability with someone who denies climate change entirely; the lack of shared concepts makes the discussion feel like shouting into a void.

Opening Up to Those Who Value You

Vulnerability is a gift, but it’s one that should be offered selectively. Explaining your thoughts, feelings, or experiences to someone who sees your worth creates a safe space for authenticity. These are the people who listen without judgment, value your perspective, and engage with empathy. When you open up to them, disagreements don’t feel like attacks—they’re opportunities for growth and deeper connection. Consider a close friend who truly understands your character. If you share a personal struggle, like feeling overwhelmed at work, they’re likely to listen with care and offer thoughtful feedback, even if they disagree with your approach to handling stress. Their response comes from a place of respect, so any differing opinions feel supportive rather than critical. Now, imagine sharing the same struggle with someone who doesn’t value you—perhaps a dismissive colleague. Their response might feel cold or judgmental, and any disagreement could sting, as it’s laced with a lack of regard for your worth.

Disagreeing for the Better

The tweet emphasizes that productive disagreements happen when we argue with those who share our concepts and open up to those who value us. In these scenarios, differing thoughts don’t lead to negativity because both parties approach the conversation with mutual respect and a shared goal of improvement. Disagreements become collaborative, aimed at refining ideas or strengthening relationships rather than tearing them down.For instance, picture a couple who both value open communication in their relationship. If they disagree about how to manage household responsibilities, their shared commitment to fairness allows them to discuss solutions constructively—perhaps creating a chore schedule that works for both. Because they’re aligned on the concept of mutual respect, their disagreement leads to a better outcome, not resentment. In contrast, a disagreement with someone who doesn’t share this value might spiral into accusations or defensiveness, as there’s no common ground to anchor the conversation.

Avoiding Assumed Negativity

When we engage with people who don’t share our concepts or value our worth, disagreements often carry an undercurrent of negativity. Without a shared foundation, differing thoughts can be misinterpreted as attacks, and explanations can feel like talking to a wall. By choosing our conversations carefully, we create space for differing ideas to coexist without being mistaken for hostility.Take online debates as an example. Engaging with a stranger on social media who doesn’t share your core beliefs—say, about political priorities—often leads to heated arguments where both sides assume the worst of each other. Misunderstandings pile up because there’s no shared framework to guide the discussion. But when you debate a friend who shares your values, even a heated exchange feels like a search for truth rather than a battle, as neither assumes negative intent.

Why This Matters

This approach to communication is a call to be intentional about who we invest our energy in. Life is too short for fruitless arguments or vulnerable moments that go unappreciated. By reserving debates for those who share our concepts, we ensure our disagreements are productive, leading to growth or better solutions. By opening up to those who value us, we protect our emotional energy and foster deeper, more meaningful connections. This mindset also empowers us to set boundaries. If someone doesn’t share your foundational beliefs or respect your worth, it’s okay to step back from the conversation. Not every argument is worth having, and not every person deserves your vulnerability. Choosing your audience wisely transforms communication from a source of stress into a tool for growth and connection.

Conclusion

The words we share—whether in arguments or vulnerable moments—carry the most weight when directed toward those who understand and value us. Arguing with people who share our concepts ensures disagreements are constructive, while opening up to those who see our worth creates space for empathy and growth. By being selective about who we engage with, we can disagree for the better, fostering conversations that enrich rather than drain us. The next time you’re tempted to argue or bare your soul, pause and ask: Does this person share my concepts? Do they value my worth? Your answer will guide you to conversations that matter.